My review

The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star by Nikki Sixx

rating: 4 of 5 stars
Wow! One of the most phenomenal books I’ve read in a long time! I don’t recommend it for anyone under 21, or anyone “sensitive” to drugs, sex or rock ‘n’ roll. Nikki Sixx has lived fasted, died twice, and then really learned to LIVE. His story is gut-wrenching … I cried for the “lost little boy” many times as I read. The last 28 pp. make the entire book worth reading. If you think a rock star has a “glamours” life, read this and weep. While Sixx brought most of the pain onto himself, his struggle with abandonment, depression, and finding himself is (to delve into the cliche) is life-changing. What does a rock star want at the end of the tour? Exactly what I already have … wild! If you’re a little sick, a touch sadistic, and are a sucker for a “happy” ending, you’ll thoroughly enjoy this book.

View all my reviews.

These were hijacked straight from “Native American Code of
Ethics” (http://www.echotacherokeewolfclan.com/id8.html).  I thought they deserved repeating here:

1. Rise with the sun to pray.  Pray often.  The Great Spirit will listen if you only speak.

2. Be tolerant of those who are lost on their path.  Ignorance, conceit, anger, jealousy and greed stem from a lost soul.  Pray they will find guidance.

3. Search for yourself, by yourself.  Do not allow others to make your path for you.  It is your road, and yours alone.  Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.

4. Treat the guest in your home with much consideration.  Serve the best food, give them the best bed, and treat them with respect and honor.

5. Do not take what is yours, whether from a person, a community, the wilderness, or a culture.  It was not earned or given.  It is not yours.

6. Respect all things that are placed on Mother Earth — whether it be plant, animal, mineral, water, land or human.

7.  Honor other people’s thoughts, wishes and words.  Never interrupt another or mock or rudely mimic them.  Allow each person the right to personal expression.

8. Never speak of others in a bad way.  The negative energy you put out into the universe will multiply when it returns to you.

9. All persons make mistakes.  All mistakes can be forgiven.

10. Bad thoughts cause illness of the mind, body and spirit.  Practice optimism.

11. Nature is not FOR us, it is a part of us.  We are one large family.

12. Children are the seeds of our future.  Plant love in their hearts and water it with wisdom and life’s lessons.  When they are grown, give them space to grow.

13. Avoid hurting the hearts of others.  The poison of your pain will return to you.

14. Be truthful at all times.  Honesty is the test of ones will within this universe.

15. Keep yourself balanced.  Your mental self, spiritual self, emotional self, and physical self — all need to be strong, pure and healthy.  Work out the body to strengthen the mind.  Grow rich in spirit to cure emotional ills.

16. Make conscious decisions as to who you will be and how you will react.   Be responsible for your own actions.

17. Respect the privacy and personal space of others.  Do not touch the personal property of others — especially the sacred and religious objects.  This is strictly forbidden.

18. Be true to yourself first.  You cannot nurture and help others if you cannot nurture and help yourself first.

19.  Respect others religious beliefs.  Do not force your beliefs on others.

20. Share your good fortune with others.  Participate in charity.

I took a walk through the garden aisles of our local store today.  Mmmm … the smell of topsoil, the allure of new garden toys … I’m sunk.

This time of year in Michigan is exciting and exhausting all in the same day.  Mother Nature yanks our chain by giving us a day or two of “almost spring,” then slaps us stupid with single digits again.  I hear the chick-a-dees tweet “where’s spring?” and my cabin-fever riddled soul screams the echo of that question.  I long for the dirt under my nails and the expectancy of the harvest to come to bounce around in my thoughts.  To spend two uninterrupted hours riding the lawn mower, thinking my own thoughts and listening to the oldies … heaven, I tell you.

Today, it rained as the thermometer hovered around 45.  I partook in my annual ritual of standing outside and breathing as deep as I could.  Around me, snow clung desperately to my lawn and the winter birds argued over the once-again filled bird feeder.  But something caught my attention enough to warrant another deep breath.

There is was … just a hint … could it be?  One more breathe confirmed the infinitesimal shard of hope I hold dogmatically inside.

Spring is on it’s way.

… that I joined a “real” writing group, and push to write something that worth publishing.

…that I’m going to take that pottery wheel class (classes for my birthday) and learn to make something — anything — with clay.

…that I published (http://www.goodreads.com/) a book list with a few good friends to keep yapping at me to actually complete.

…that I will see my first kid go off to college, midst my tears and my overwhelming pride.

…that I will learn more about roasting coffee here at home, damn the corporate strongholds, and learn to enjoy the bean ounce by ounce by ounce.

…that I carve out more memories with family and friends, and learn how to hold them more precious and sacred.

…that I don’t make stupid, superficial “resolutions,” but instead focus on living every moment as if it were my last.

Happy New Year, friends!  As a wise, old turtle once said, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow’s a mystery, today is a gift — that’s why they call it the present.”

Really been focusing on moments throughout this holiday season…

Sitting with my sister-in-law around my dad’s table.  Eating Italian take-out, laughing about growing older, sharing craft and sewing ideas.

Watching my kids open their gifts to each other this year … simple, inexpensive … but drenched with anticipation and excitement and joy of the sharing of experience and life.

Discussing movies with my brother … getting his ideas, listening to his reflections, able to “argue” with him and still be OK.

Smiling as Ethan bounds to basketball practice, seeking acceptance from his coach, who already thinks Ethan’s a great kid.  Starting to see the man this little boy is becoming.

Seeing my husband’s chest rise and fall as he sleeps soundly and securely beside me in the early morning light.

Gathered around a table tonight at a friend’s home, eating bar cheese and sipping White Zinfandel and laughing … them in their early twenties, just beginning their “adult” lives, me wandering through my mid-forties, just drinking in their laughter and their friendship and our lives together.

Watching “The Little Mermaid” with the family (minus Ethan, who’s at an overnight), and just smiling as they laugh out loud, just like when they were all little.

The more I notice and drink in moments, the richer I am.  The more I laugh, the more I live.  The more I look for beauty in small, “insignificant” things, the more rewarded I become.  This holiday season has taught me much, and it’s had very little to do with Christmas.

We had a great day.  I can’t remember when I laughed so much on Christmas day.  My kids are a joy, and as they grow and continue becoming who they are and will be, I find ecstasy in their becoming.  Both dads visited, and we feasted on fondue and life and laughter and love.

I am very ambivalent about this holiday anymore.  I’ve seen “religious” people misconstrue and attempt to make it something historically it is not.  I’ve seen other friends give themselves over to the “need” to spend money they don’t have, in hopes of creating or changing things that have very little to do with consumerism.  For me, I’ve decided that Christmas is a time of realizing the blessings in my life — my family, my friends, my opportunity to live a life that makes a difference in the here and now.  We can mark it however we wish; at the end of the day, neither the religious or secular “own” the day — it is ours to celebrate as we will.

I came across a “new” quote for me:

William James once said, “A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.”

May this be the year I stop simply rearranging my prejudices in every area of my life, and truly think, listen, learn, love.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

First off, I love my dad.  He’s a great guy, as anyone who knows him will attest.  There isn’t often he pisses me off to the point that I feel like I need a literary vent concerning the situation.  Tonight is one of those exceptions.

I love talking to my dad.  He gets lonely (although he’d never admit it), and a long phone call makes him feel better.  Me?  I absolutely hate talking on the phone, but for Dad, I make the exception (and for a few other good friends!).  Tonight he called, to let me know they may be a change of plans for this weekend, which is fine.  But in the course of our forty minute conversation, he tried to get me to talk negatively about three or four different relatives.

He gets these ideas in his head … like my daughter takes an hour in the bathroom in the morning (she doesn’t).  Or the “financial” situations of various people we know.  Or he “hears just fine,” even though I’m still yelling at him to get him to understand me on the phone.

For whatever reason, he gains enjoyment from yanking people’s chain.  And he does it most with me, because I won’t react back.  He’ll go on and on, trying to get me to say something.  Tonight, I did.  I defended my daughter, and then he tried to make a joke out of it.

So me hating to talk on the phone combined with his desire to just piss me off made for frustrating conversation tonight.

I’m trying to cut him a lot of slack.  He’s old.  He’s lonely.  He’s a great guy 95% of the time, and I’m reminding myself of that even as I’m writing.

But what gives old people the perceived “right” to cause havoc and mayhem, then sit back just to enjoy the show?  What sickness overtakes them that they conveniently “forget” how most of life runs, start imposing their own rules on the people that love them the most, and then turn inward so that their “reality” has very little to do with anyone but themselves?

You know, we have a lot of good conversations.  My dad is wise, and he tells great stories.  He does a lot of interesting things still, and I’m always anxious to ask him what’s going on — even though he rarely asks me the same, and acts inconvenienced at my family’s busy life.  I ‘ll ask him, “Dad, remember when I was a kid?  You were working, Mom was working … everything was spinning around all the time.”  He says he remembers, but then he’ll go on into whatever he was saying before.

I just gotta take a breath.  Nothing changes — but I wonder if it’s his passive/aggressive way of acting because we recently borrowed some money from him — money he offered and offered and offered again.  He has a way of stating his mind — regardless of who he hurts or who is spins around him.  I’m trying to be OK with it all — I’m just angry and confused right now.

But tomorrow will be another day.  I’ll let it go — I need to for my own sanity and for the love of my Dad.  Still, I wish I could figure out his “need” to cause mayhem wherever he goes …

So, Friday was my last day working at Starbuck’s.  There’s a new company policy that says you are “part-time” if you work three shifts during the week, or 16 hours on the weekend.  Well, I’ve done that gig before.  And that, combined with homeschooling four children, teaching at support group, helping ferry the kids to their numerous “things” (right now — basketball, teen choir, birthday parties, visiting friends), and helping the big boy get ready for his time in Chicago, and scholarships, and … you get the picture.

Starbuck’s was an absolute live saver for me.  I came into the job about a year after we moved to our current location.  As I’ve written over and over again, no part of me wanted to be here.  It was a bad break up from our last community; it was a lot of crap between the spouse and me; I was so trying to find myself amidst the carnage.  I wasn’t sure what I wanted — but I wanted something, anything that was different than I had.

Along came my life as a coffee maven.  I really enjoyed the challenge.  The work was simple.  But the experience, the knowledge, was something new for me.  I embraced the “Starbuck’s culture,” and it embraced me.  It wasn’t always fun, but a lot of good things came from my time there:

* I learned I could “make it” outside the four walls of organized religion just fine, thank you very much.  My job helped me overcome my religiously altered reality about “those people,” and helped me really start caring about people again.

*I learned that’s it’s OK to enjoy some of the “finer” things in life.  That I didn’t have to settle for “crap coffee,” or superficial conversations, or just finding out about religious things.  There is a huge, beautiful, scary, fascinating and amazing world and Starbuck’s is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

*I learned that I can be “someone” apart from my husband and kids.  That people could like me, not because they had to, but because the simply did.

*I learned that there really isn’t an “us” or a “them”.  There is a “we,” and we share this life and share love and share the earth and it’s best time we stop drawing so many lines of difference, and start drawing more circles of inclusion.

*I also learned that things come and go.  And right here, right now, is my time to leave Starbuck’s.  It’s time to come into something else, whatever that else might be.  Time will tell.  I’ll let you know.

So now, I’m traveling on.  I’m laying low over the holidays — actually, that’s not true.  I’ve already taken a test to possibly work with the Census this spring.  And if that doesn’t work out, I’ll probably be writing for a local newspaper.  Or working on that next book.  Or … we’ll see.  As crazy as it seems, I’m pretty happy with the person I’ve become, and the person I’m becoming.  I’m not there, by any means.  But the journey I’m on is filled with interesting people, great opportunities, and the ability to tell good coffee from crappy stuff

This song has been rolling around in my head for quite some time now.  The other day, on my walk, I listened closely to lyrics again for the first time in a while.  It made me smile — and cry.

“Peace Train” (Cat Stevens, Yusaf Islam)

Now I’ve been happy lately,
thinking about the good things to come
And I believe it could be,
something good has begun

Oh I’ve been smiling lately,
dreaming about the world as one
And I believe it could be,
some day it’s going to come

Cause out on the edge of darkness,
there rides a peace train
Oh peace train take this country,
come take me home again

Now I’ve been smiling lately,
thinking about the good things to come
And I believe it could be,
something good has begun

Oh peace train sounding louder
Glide on the peace train
Come on now peace train
Yes, peace train holy  roller

Everyone jump upon the peace train
Come on now peace train

Get your bags together,
go bring your good friends too
Cause it’s getting nearer,
it soon will be with you

Now come and join the living,
it’s not so far from you
And it’s getting nearer,
soon it will all be true

Now I’ve been crying lately,
thinking about the world as it is
Why must we go on hating,
why can’t we live in bliss

Cause out on the edge of darkness,
there rides a peace train
Oh peace train take this country,
come take me home again

It’s not gonna come from government, religion, or industry.  It’s gotta come from each one of us, doing what we can to make our world a better place.  Whatever each of our motivation — God, humanity, karma or what have you — we each need to decide, “Will I join the Peace Train?”  It was a good thought thirty years ago … it’s a better idea today.

Came across this blog:

http://littlecog.com/2008/11/12/an-opinion-on-gay-marriage-rights/   

I don’t usually engage in “this” conversation, but the following line struck me as truth: 

No state or government entity should issue “marriage” licenses at all.  Instead, marriages for none, civil unions for all.  It creates a system of equal protection under the law.

If religious organizations wish to protect their views on the sanctity of marriage, they may do so outside the realm of Government.  If gay couples wish to marry and create a family, they may also do this outside the realm of Government.  Governments are not moral entities…they are simply not equipped to tell us right from wrong. — little cog

“Governments are not moral entities …”  The recently published book by Shane Claibourn, Jesus for President, reminds us that salvation isn’t found in any agent of the “empire,” a.k.a. government.  Government doesn’t have a soul — it doesn’t have a moral obligation at all.  The government, in theory, is an agent for chaos control … an attempt to keep us civilized. 

To some, morality cannot be separated from civility.  They expect the government to reflect biblical standards because somewhere they got the misinformation that this country was established as a “Christian” nation.  They’ve accepted regurgitated informatin from their church leaders who have spent their lives trying to synthesis religion and government for their own uses.  If they’d look back at history, they would see America was established as a place for people to be free — whether their freedom agreed with personal belief and conviction or not.

Earlier in his post, “little cog” quoted the 14th amendment of our constitution:

No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

That is the constitution, speaking on civil rights.  We equate it with race … but it doesn’t specifically state that anywhere in the constitution. 

Maybe it’s time we become educated on the arguments we make.  When we quote things, or we assume things, and somehow superimpose our assumptions into the realm of reality.  According to me, against my personal beliefs and convictions, there are things that are “right” or “wrong.”  According to the Bible, and people who have comitted themselves to this belief system, there are definite rights and wrongs.  But can we really transpose faith tenets on an institution that doesn’t have the same goals as that belief system?

Get angry, disagree.  But spend some time thinking about what the constitution really, truly says before you start using it as a weapon to uphold your beliefs.  The government was never created to favor one faith over another.  The government, by design, has little to do with faith at all.  The more I learn, the more they become mutually exclusive for me, despite what our religious institutions insist. 

Just something to think about.