Hippylostintime’s Weblog

  I was riding home from church today on the bike.  “E” (11) rode with me — he enjoys the freedom it brings him.  He was flapping his wings like a flying bird, smiling that irrepressable smile that fills his entire face.  I looked in the rearview mirror, and smiled myself.  And then, I inhaled deeply, exhaled slowly, and soaked in the early spring sunshine that is so elusive and so revitalizing.

It’s been a long few weeks.  There are big changes in the place my husband works, and there are a lot of “free radical” emotions floating about.  I can only take so much — I walk very close the line of functioning and running away most days.  So sometimes, it all becomes a little overwhelming. 

A lot of this activity has continued to push me deeper and deeper into cynacism.  My beautiful, sensitive big boy asked if I could be “a little less cynacal” recently.  Wow.  Talk about a slap of reality!  And I recognize this in myself, but find it difficult to want to change.  I really like where I’m at right now.  I feel safe; alive.  I’m discovering a lot about myself.  I love watercolor!  I can feel deeply.  I can forgive a lot of crap.

And I love riding on my motorcycle.  I can breath when I’m out there, tooling around.  I have a rule — no time on the bike.  When I ride, I try to never give myself a feeling of being rushed.  It’s more than a ride … it’s an excuse to breath in life and love and be a part of everything around me.  Too mystical?  Yeah, but I don’t really care what anyone else thinks on this subject. 

I have friends who are starting blogs on food, and movies, and all kinds of cool stuff.  I’d like to do that — but I have to find my rhythm, you know?  Recently, I’ve discovered I don’t even really know what my passion is.  Sad … to be a passionate person without clarity.  Maybe it’s coffee?  Maybe writing?  Maybe satirical responses to organized religion (wait … I can’t do that without getting my husband fired, I think).  Anyway .. while I’m looking and waiting, living in the moment.  I’m doing a lot of breathing. 

And riding, too.