Had coffee with a friend today … discussion involved one of her kids. High energy, darling, loving, energizer-bunny type kid (just like one of mine …). Hers is one of my favorite — his zeal for life is good for me.
She’s sharing about how one of her “friends” on a recent field trip “parented” this boy. He was doing something very boy-like … not destructive, not disruptive … just doing boy stuff. ”We don’t do those kinds of things,” this friend said. Mom simply brought boy to her, and left it lay.
Here’s the thing: My kids are my kids. I have four kids, and I’ve asked a lot of people about a lot of things. I have good friends who I trust to bounce things off of, and have always been very conscientious about raising them to be acceptable members of society.
I have not raised my kids to be little cookie-cutter versions of me. I have not raised my kids to think simply like “the system” of the world or the church. Despite what “anyone” thinks, my husband and I have done what we thought of as right, and are damn proud of all our kids.
And you know what? We have good kids. They are not perfect. They are not always easy to live with (but then, neither am I). But people frequently tell us stories about our kids, and their behavior and how they really enjoy being with them. Our kids are good thinkers. They are diverse in their understanding, comfortable in most settings, and are not afraid of hard work or taking the path less traveled.
So … today, I told my friend, “Here’s the deal. You need to try to learn to not listen to people who think they can ‘help’ you raise your child.” Understand this friend is a person who cares about what others think — but it is not her highest motivation. She is quite a bit younger than me, and I reassured her that, at her age, I struggled with other’s perceptions much more. “But,” I told her, “at the end of the day, this little boy is yours and your husband’s.” His acting socially acceptable to others is not the highest criteria for a kid’s behavior.
Yeah, I have friends who, in my opinion, let their kids run wild. I know parents who are inconsistent, and whose children constantly take advantage of their parents’ weaknesses. But it is still not my job to parent these children. I might avoid them. I might not let my kids spend a lot of time with them. But at the end of the day, until a good friends asks, “What do you think?” I keep my mouth shut.
And, I appreciate others who do the same. I was frustrated for my friend, because she really is a good mom. She and her husband are consistent in raising their kids, and she does a great job letting this little guy be an energetic boy. I told her what worked best for us was to keep our energizer bunny active, busy, and reward him when he accomplished a task I set out for him by letting him run around after completing the task.
We’re so quick to judge others, aren’t we? A lot of judgment, in my opinion, comes from our own inadequacies. We either are not sure of things we’ve decided, or we are overly confident that we have the only answer in certain areas — and child-rearing tends to be a very volatile one. All I know is that, unless you’ve reared a child from day one, you should probably keep your opinions to yourself. Unless you’re asked. Or, unless in endangers your own kids.
Other times, keep it closed, and learn to love with a lot more grace.
