Trust and …

Seems like I keep learning in the least possible convenient ways for me …

Trust is an issue with me. Always has been. Comes from an abusive background, or so they tell me. Sexual abuse, spiritual abuse, power abuse by authority figures … it’s a reoccurring theme throughout my life. If you pushed me into a corner, I’d have a tough time saying I “trusted” anyone or anything wholly.

Today, I encountered “Bobbie.” Bobbie came into my life, looking to order Angel Food (http://www.angelfoodministries.com/). She needed to do so EBT (our state assisted food program). There’s a variety of hoops we need to jump through to do that (state regulations, Angel Food requirements, etc.). Since it’s not something I do all the time (take orders), I struggled to find out all the necessary paper work.

The long and short of it is that Bobbie had to trust me to take all her personal information concerning her EBT to make the transaction. Seriously, this total stranger left me all the numbers it would take me to take away food from her family for an entire month, if I were a dishonest person. “I trust you,” she said. “No problem.”

No problem? Wow, I hardly trust people I know (some say that’s why I don’t trust them). How the heck could this woman trust a total stranger with something so important? Because I was in a church? Yeah, right. That would be naive. Because I “looked” honest? Doubt that.

Closest I can figure is that Bobbie trusted me because she really had no choice. If she wanted to order food from me, she had to give me the information I needed to make it happen. Forced into a situation where it was trust a stranger or go hungry … she chose to put her trust in a stranger.

I don’t like to be forced into anything. I’d like to be a trusting person, really. I just have a tough time putting myself in a vulnerable position. I see myself as being pretty strong.

Even in spiritual matters, I am not a trusting person. And so I always wonder, when given a lesson from the Cosmos, if I’m being prepared for a major schooling just around the river bend. Fear? Maybe. Uncertainty for sure.

These people who can just bob along, trusting that God or their families or whomever is going to do right by them … I wonder if they’ve been screwed over. And in the few cases I’ve seen that yes, they have, and still they think that the “best will come …” I have a tough time relating to that.

What am I trying to say?

Bobbie gave me another look at what it means to trust, despite everything in you screaming that it’s a mistake. Day in and day out, I face decisions that will shape my life in the upcoming years. Will I work toward what I think is best — trusting that whatever I can’t control will be OK? Or will I work toward whatever is coming, constantly questioning and doubting that it will be OK, regardless of what I do? Living like that is wearing, I know.

No answers tonight. Just a visual aide from a young woman on the fact that some people can be trusted. Not everyone is “after” me. And that maybe, just maybe, there’s a way to put myself out there without being fearful of the betrayal and heartache that seems to inevitably come.

I guess we’ll see …

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2 Comments »

  1. LT Said:

    Over the last three years, the hardest thing to apply from my ‘abstract’ faith to my own ‘concrete’ life is ‘love always trusts’. Best to you, friend.

    • hippylostintime Said:

      Ain’t it so, Sister! Thanks for the encouragement. Peace!


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